The World Wide Conspiracy that is ARTURO VASQUEZ!!!!!!!

6 01 2010

Who is Arturo Vasquez? Why does he act like such a royal a@#hole on the Internet? Some say he is some bald headed Mexican guy who has taken a liking to Cajun boudin and Saints’ football. Those in the know have figured out that Arturo Vasquez is not who he says he is. He is an imposter, a charlatan, and a con-artist. Some say he is more than one person, some evil creation of a bunch of anti-religious computer science majors who have very little to do and even less taste. But three main theories have surfaced to compete for supremacy in explaining just who this phenomenon is:

1. Arturo is the Fifth Column of Protestantism in the Catholic Church: Just like the provocateurs of the 1930 picket lines, he is throwing rosaries and holy water all over the place to make Catholicism into the caricature that Protestants say it is. Because Protestantism is “Biblical” and “perfectly modern”, ya’ know. He is using the accoutrements of Catholicism against the only real thing that matters in the end: the Pope, his slippers, and everything he happens to write. How dare he be Catholic because he likes Catholic things! Doesn’t he know that Catholicism is more than just home altars, saint statues, and old grandmothers saying questionable prayers over you? “You’re airing our dirty laundry out in public! This isn’t the stuff you see on EWTN: the clean, technicolor, crypto-Protestant theology with certain words taken out and Catholic words put in. How dare you try to turn back the clock to Catholic things that we have long since thrown into the dustbin of history! How dare you apply ‘private interpretation’ to defend the things ‘you like’! You must be some secret Lutheran who reads Chemnitz under the blankets at night and whistles Ein’ Feste Burg in the shower!”

2. Arturo is the Fifth Column of Radical Traditionalism in the Church: This one is actually closer to the truth. But there he is, writing for Inside Catholic, interspersing rad trad phrases everywhere to unsuspecting readers loyal to the Magisterium. Actually, if you read some of his Neoplatonic posts backwards, you will find that they are all really just Archbishop Lefebvre’s sermon of 1976 (that long hot summer of conflict with Paul VI) written in code. Even if he posts a bunch of videos of Koranic recitation, passages from the Bhagavad Gita, the Orphic Hymns, passages of letters from Vladimir Lenin, make no mistake about it: Arturo Vasquez is a closed-minded, intellectual troglodyte who is a hack for bitter old ladies in mantillas who would cut the Pope a new one if given the opportunity. Even when he criticizes the traditionalist movement, calling it out on its contradictions and theological provincialism, we are not fooled. Besides, all that he writes is so confusing that it is easier to label him a ‘rad trad’ than to actually engage what he is trying to say. After all, they don’t really teach reading comprehension in school these days, and if they do, they teach it very badly.

3. Arturo Vasquez is a witch: We are surprised that people don’t make this accusation more often, because this is the one that would stick the best. “Behind all of his piety, and pretensions of traditionalism, Arturo uses his large basement for spells and other dark works. That is why he posts all of those questionable prayers, pictures of folk saints, and essays on Renaissance magic on his blog: to promote his business as a Tarot card reader and curandero.” “Yeah, I’ve seen him. Arturo was hustling on a street corner and offered to read my palm and put a curse on my ex-boyfriend for dumping me for my best friend.” “Arturo said he would cure my kid of the evil eye but instead made his skin turn purple. And the poor child can’t stop singing Prince songs.” “Arturo turned half of the members of the Ladies Altar Guild Wiccan.” And so forth. If there was still an Inquisition, he would be the first burned at the stake if his critics were Dominicans with a huge axe to grind.

Then again, there is no way of knowing. A runner-up theory says that he isn’t a Mexican-American man at all, but some megachurch pastor named Todd Smith who wants create a “Catholic site” that would make Jack Chick salivate. The experts, however, are still indecisive.


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14 responses

7 01 2010
Gregor

Arturo

I find this interesting. I am myself an Eastern Orthodox Christian, and whenever I am asked if I am a convert, I always so ‘no, I am a neo-phyte’.

This may seem pedantic, but I think it is a distinction I find worth making because I find a lot of converts come with baggage and want to Protestantise a church I find fascinating for its idiosyncrasies. Some converts are wonderful people who are deeply respectful of the indigenous Orthodox cultures. But I think they are the exception. And in America it seems worse with people like Orthodox convert Fr Hans Jacobse spreading evil propaganda and distorting the message of Orthodoxy (‘killing can be righteous’/ ‘the Bible doesn’t say love your enemy but be true to your enemy’).

Incidentally, I think that Orthodoxy has survived in such a pure form precisely because it does have an open-ness to it. I share your theological conservatism and social/ cultural eclecticism. In Greek culture there is a tradition of calling Aeschylos the ‘Greek Isaiah’. I really like this.

7 01 2010
Arturo Vasquez

I still don’t see the point of this person’s criticism. I also post stuff on ballet, film, modern philosophy, and so on. I don’t pretend that this stuff is “Catholicism”. So I don’t see how I am disguising things in some “ersatz sort of syncretism”. I guess this person doesn’t realize that this blog is about more than just Catholicism. I like Rumi’s poetry, but I don’t consider him any less a heathen.

7 01 2010
Novus Ordo Missae

For your information, I happen to be steeped in and, indeed, possess deep respect for both Western and Eastern philosophies as well as various world religions; I just don’t happen to disguise some ersatz sort of syncretism, putting a sticker on it and having the cajones to call it: “Catholicism”.

7 01 2010
Sam Urfer

I pretty much assumed you were just a dude with a blog, who posted your thoughts about stuff.

7 01 2010
Sam Urfer

Nice drive-by comment. No actual engagement with anything Arturo has written. Good work!

6 01 2010
Rob

I always assumed he was Muslim.

6 01 2010
Manuel

I’m going to eat a really big rosca de Reyes to celebrate today’s feast instead of teaching (in Latin) protestants and converts about how Christmas last 12 days. It’s much more Catholic you know

6 01 2010
Adrian

N.O.M., Any Protestant could dismiss Catholicism as a mere “syncretized” anthropogenic phenomenon. But that’s what ancient Christianity is, a concord between Israel and the mystery religions of the Mediterranean. There exists no other Christianity.

How many Gods are there between the Rock of Ares and Tepeyac? Too many to count — some of them devils, some of them angels, some of them prefigurations of the One True God. Deal with it.

6 01 2010
Ben George

The only thing that baffles me is the contrarian defense of Santa Muerte. That ugly hag seems to have possessed the back windshield of fine pick-up trucks everywhere, replacing N.S. de Guadalupe… ELLA me cuida.

Besides that I’m pretty much on board with the whole project.

6 01 2010
+Wulfila

Syncretism has its place, Pico and Ficino are sublime, and though we don’t always agree, Arturo seems like a fairly decent bloke. Such harsh language hardly appears justified.

6 01 2010
Novus Ordo Missae

Arturo’s principal beliefs are but the excrement of syncretism; nothing more.

6 01 2010
TH2

Now THIS is a excellent post. Classic. Just discovered your blog in the last month or so and, though I still have to figure you out – TH2 likes Arturo’s polemical playfulness, as evidenced in this post, leaving everyone pondering. And, no, you are not an “royal a@#hole”. You just write very well, clearly, straightforwardly, bluntly – and many people just cannot deal with that. Like the tone and attitude, even though TH2 finds the whole Renaissance gnostic thing (i.e Ficino, Pico etc.) to be ridiculous; that is if you promote such obscurantism. However, TH2’s guess, rather, is that you just find such writers fascinating, inspirational without going overboard, worthy of further research, etc. (which is excellent).

6 01 2010
Adrian

The nice thing about this blog is that it forces those crypto-Calvinists to choose between real Catholicism, with all of its unsettling forms of religious expression, and the awful Protestantism they left behind.

6 01 2010
Sean

You forgot #4: World Class Motor-Cross Champion

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